I am not angry, I am afraid

‘’ You are the angriest person I’ve ever met ‘’.

I’ve heard these words hundreds of times before since I was a child, but they still hurt as if it would be the first time. Over and over again, it pains me to hear this sentence. It hurts because it makes me realise that I failed again to show the emotion I feel underneath in an appropriate way, and after all, I am not angry, I am afraid.

For a very long time, I believed I have anger issues. I thought my deepest fear became a reality: I am a raging monster who would blow up about everything.

I tried to give my best not to get angry anymore. I tried to pause and count till ten, but nothing seemed to stop my anger.

It didn’t even need much to make me raging at my partner:

I wanted to go to the shop, but I must have misplaced my wallet. I stood up, opened every draw and cupboard I could find, getting more and more agitated. Not long after I shout at my boyfriend: why isn’t he helping? Can’t he see I need help? How can he sit there on the couch doing nothing but staring at his phone while I need help?

I opened more draws, made an even bigger mess than it was before until I finally blew up.

My anger exploded, and I screamed at my boyfriend. I yelled at him for being him, for not helping, for existing and for merely breathing.

These situations seemed to occur more and more frequently in my life. Over and over again. As always, we wouldn’t talk to each other again for several hours. I would walk away, being frustrated that he never helps while he would stare at the wall and wonder what he had done wrong, again.

It took me years and hundreds of situations like this until I realised the problem wasn’t my partner or the people around me- the main problem was me.

I wasn’t angry that I couldn’t find my wallet — I was afraid that I lost it. I panicked when I couldn’t find it, I felt helpless and overwhelmed like a 3-year-old. All I wanted was someone who would hug me tied and say:

‘’ everything will be alright’’.

Someone who would ease my fear and panic. Someone who helps me to south my spinning thoughts.

As much as I wished for such a perfect person to appear in my life, it seemed I always ended up choosing the wrong partners. My friends already made fun of my talent to always select a dismissive partner who wouldn’t respond to my emotional needs.

After several years and lots of broken relationships, I wasn’t willing to accept that my current partner was, again, someone who doesn’t want to fulfil my emotional needs. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t hug me, comfort me, isn’t there for me.

‘’ You know, you never look as if you would need help. I look at you and see how angry you are and rather step back. Who would come up with the idea to hug a raging dragon.’’

I looked at him with tears in my eyes. No, I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to be a raging dragon, but suddenly a lot of things made sense.

Ever since when other people around me were afraid, they seem to provoke empathy and protection from others. They were hugged and comforted. While on the other side, I never seemed to be able to stimulate any of these feelings in others. My need for being comforted and protected was dismissed, and I got punished for losing my tempter instead.

These situations seemed to spin a deadly circle in my life.

The more I got dismissed, the more frustrated I became, the more frustrated I became, the more I lost my tempter.

I slammed the door behind me and ran down the street on a cold, rainy autumn evening. I did run as fast as I could, and for the first time in years, tears were running down my face.

I felt guilty and ashamed of myself. In all these years, I blamed others for not helping and dismissing me. I never realised that it was me, being unable to show my fear in the first place.

Since that cold, rainy evening a lot has happened in my life. I had to learn a lot. I tried hard to recognise my feelings, and I decided to learn how to show my anxiety in a way that other people can see it too.

The most important thing I had to learn was, I need to allow myself to be vulnerable instead of trying to take control of the situation with my anger.

People can’t bring you light if you don’t let them know you are in darkness.

Photo by Lacie Slezak on Unsplash