The dismissive-avoidant partner

Have you ever wondered why something seems missing in your relationship?

You see all the other couples on social media posting romantic pictures, getting married, but no matter what you do, it doesn’t seem to work in your relationship?

You read all the healthy relationship advises to talk about problems, but every conversation ends with silence? The harder you try, the more it fails?

In that case, it could be that you are dealing with a dismissive-avoidant (DA) partner.

Dismissive- avoidant partners have high self-esteem and tend to look down to others. The behaviour pattern of dismissive-avoidant usually emerges in early childhood caused by the primary caretaker. If the caretaker doesn’t respond adequately and consistently to the child, a healthy, secure attachment can’t be developed. Some children tend to become anxious or overly clingy. Others, like the dismissive-avoidant, shut down social attachments and see every emotional attachment to another human being as a weakness.

DA’s teach their partners hard lessons of needing to be self-reliant and to destroy every useful safety net a healthy, secure relationship should provide.

Did you ever came home and needed a shoulder to lean on or some emotional support? You better don’t need it when your partner is a DA. These partners don’t give emotional support, the best you can get is some practical advice if you are lucky. DA’s see it as a great sign of weakness when you turn towards them for emotional support. Dismissive-avoidant partners want to avoid every sign of commitment in a relationship, and a partner who needs their help is not what they want.

DAs barely speak about their feeling, no matter how often you try to engage them in a more in-depth conversation like in every healthy relationship.

DAs try to keep every sort of intimacy in the bay and will place you at a safe distance. Nevertheless, DAs also have sexual needs, but their inconsistent behaviour can be very challenging for their partners.

DAs can adore their partners for one moment and completely ignore them the next. Being a partner of someone who is dismissive-avoidant can be highly damaging as you’ll never know if you are ignored today or not.IF they want to be alone and have their own space today or not. Partners of DAs learn that every joy and feeling of closeness can and will be taken away at any time, which makes it hard to form a healthy and secure attachment.

If you started a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant person, you would probably fall in the category of people who have low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, the relationship won’t make you feel better. Instead of supporting you with uplifting words, dismissive-avoidant partners are masters in fault finding. If you already thought you would make a lot of mistakes- be prepared, your partner will analyse every step and make you aware of everything you do wrong.

Dismissive-avoidant partners act unhealthy in relationships and can be very toxic for loving, caring empathetic partners.

With dismissive partners you will never get the love back, you gave in the first place. The harder you try, the more they will push you away.

The situation could be solved and worked on if the DA partner would be willing to discuss his feelings and admit making mistakes. DA partners always insist that everyone around them needs to apologise but do it rarely themselves. DAs will always find excuses and reasons to explain their behaviour.

Relationships with a dismissive-avoidant partner can also work out if you are willing to suppress your own needs enough and adjust towards his behaviour.

In the end, everyone needs to decide on their own if they are willing to stay in these relationships.

At least, if you want to leave your DA partner, you will be lucky to leave without any drama, your DA partner will hold the door open for you when you go.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash